Sharing is Caring – Wisdom from my 4/4 portal reading for myself, part one

I’ve been undecided about how much I wanted to share of my own personal journey. Everybody does it and I have worried that it will take something away from a reader’s own journey which is so necessary as each individual has to do the work. I’m obviously not on the fence anymore because I will share with you the reading. I did for myself to understand the gift of the 4/4 portal so that you too can draw strength in your times of darkness.

As an FYI, the number 4 is about a creating a firm foundation, so my question is also about building a foundation. For the general energy of the reading I drew the Full Moon, 7th House, 8th House, and 9th House cards from the Astro Alignment Oracle deck. Yowzah. And wow, so true (I’m always amazed by what comes through in readings).

So what does this mean for me? For the last couple of years, I have been out of work. I have looked, and looked, and looked, ad nauseum. To the point, where I gave up because I realized that there was something else that I probably need to do. However, it has been horrific for me because I have had to grapple with who I really am because so much of my identity was wrapped in what I did for a living. I have always been the one in my household to pay for the essentials (housing, groceries, cars, utilities), and we have had a pretty amazing and comfortable life. I did this with some college but no degree and coming from a childhood where we lived in a trailer and had very little money. It’s pretty miraculous but the reality is that I believed in myself and knew I could make things happen. Now, I must rely on others for my basic needs to be met. This not a boo-hoo (although I have definitely gone down that path) but a lesson from the 7th house. Another lesson from the 7th house is really looking at 1-1 relationships. I have attracted people all of my life who are in pain because of my empathetic nature. Awesome for those people because I do a great job of helping see the amazing things about themselves (one of my superpowers). However, the relationships often became about meeting their needs and my needs getting subsumed to their needs. Not healthy for me. I don’t blame those people – they were just reflecting where I needed to grow. So I have had to make some painful decisions about who I have in my life and learn how to build healthy relationships. This baby is still a work in progress.

And then we come to the 8th house – one of the hardest to address in my opinion. I touched on this in the 7thhouse reflection – just who am I. And I still have no answer. It is scary and it is disorienting, and I wish to hell it would just resolve because I hate being in this place of stasis, where nothing changes, nothing moves. For those of you who have gone through this profound situation and come out on the other side, I am hoping you feel compassion because it is truly painful. For those of you who haven’t gone through this I hope you have compassionate people in your life to support you because it will be vital. What I can tell you is that I have seen some pretty ugly things about myself and have acted in ways that I didn’t think I would act – all because I can’t stand the stasis. As I write this, it seems silly that I can’t handle it but that is not acknowledging what is really going on, the death of my ego. Because that is what is happening. And why addressing the ego is so hard. It fights for dominance; it fights to lead and sometimes it just fights. It loves to talk because that means it is something. It has big ideas, it is the next big thing, it is everything!! It hates the silence because then no one knows it exists. So, I have some epic battles that occur internally between the me that I really am and my ego. There are times where I think I am going crazy and there I times that I wonder why I’m even trying to reach the real me. Such is the nature of the disintegration of the ego leading. Truly tough going but the prize is a rebirth into who I really am, and I’m finally at the spot where this is what I truly want.

It's not surprising that the 9th house is part of this general energy. With everything I have gone through over the last two years, it is not surprising that my spirituality is undergoing a change. When I look out on the spiritual landscape, what I find missing is depth and an understanding that while somethings might become easier to tackle, there are some basic elements of spiritual growth. One of them is that it is not supposed to be easy. If you want easy, then Earth is not the place for you, and Saturn would not be part of the planetary energies that affect humans. Two, while spirituality is supposed to grow there are some things that will never change. Understanding what should change and what should stay the same is truly part of the growth path on Earth. Oh, and did I mention, this is not supposed to be easy.

Now to the Full Moon card. This is a card of hope for me, coming at a time when I was just about ready to give up. This card tells me that this cycle is coming to a completion and that I am about ready to move into the next step of my journey. I am internally weeping tears of joy although I know I have a couple of final steps to take. One of them is fully letting go of the outcome and the other is letting divine timing occur and truly trusting that it will happen. Yes, still some big steps to take but I know “it” will be there when I am ready.

I will follow up with the rest of the reading (Yes! There is more!)